Something to Laugh About

Got this from one of those "Fw:" emails...

FURIOUS SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you'

'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep and eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on to the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

KEEP READING ...

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

RESTING THE BALLS

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the morning to you, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?' asks the attendant.

'They're called tees," replies Tiger.

'Well, what on God's earth are they for?' inquires the attendant.

'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger.

'Fookin Jeysus', says the Newfoundlander, 'Ford thinks of everything!'


THE BUTTONS
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

'Sir,' she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out... when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN

EXCELLENT REPLY
The story is told of a very rich Indian millionaire who went to Australia to watch his 'boys' play cricket. The Aussie at passport control sat fingering through his passport for ages, looking as unfriendly as he could manage. At last he growled: 'Have you got a criminal record?'

The Indian businessman smiled sweetly and said, 'I am terribly sorry, Sir; unfortunately, I don't have one. Nobody told me that it was still a requirement to get into your good country.'


80:20 HINDSIGHT
He's 80, she's 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

He answered, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: 'You're amazing. How do you do it?'

He again said: 'You've got the keep the old motor running.'

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: 'Well, well, well! !! You certainly are quite a man!'

He responded again, 'You've got to keep that old motor running'

The nurse said: 'Well, you better change the engine oil. This one's black.'

TRAINEE
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee..... On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: 'Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!'

The voice from the other side responded: 'You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?'

'No' replied the trainee.

'It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!'

The trainee shouted back: 'And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?'

'No!' replied the Managing Director angrily.

'Thank God!' replied the trainee and put the phone down.....


PAY YOUR BILLS
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Her neighbor was the famous dragon slayer Nick who, between dragon slaying chores, would admire those breasts. It was also his desire to touch them! Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death. The king was a very jealous man.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's Consultant Physician (chief doctor). Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer agreed to the offer.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.

The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent afflictions (breasts).

The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was even touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear . The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!!


STRESS RELIEVERS
Stress Reliever # 1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.


Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.


Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."


Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"


Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever # 8
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"


Stress Reliever # 9
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.


Stress Reliever # 10
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me ? my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

OTHERS
Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess.... Still dunno? OK lah.....
Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their forehead.

Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"

A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning.

Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM.